Autistic, Allistic, Neurodiverse, and Neurotypical: Say what?

Cracked Mirror in Shalott

Coming into the neurodiversity movement, there are some terms that a new person might not be familiar with. I’ve been seeing a lot of questions about some of them, and some misunderstandings about them as well, so it is perhaps time for writing something on these terms.

If you are reading this blog, I’m assuming that you know what Autistic means in a general way. Some of you might still hold some misconceptions about autistic life, but I believe that to be a part of the learning process. You are reading Autistic voices either here or on the blogs of other Autistics, hopefully learning from it, and that is what matters.

You’ll notice that I use “autistic” rather than “person with autism” throughout. This is intentional. The basic idea is that my being is autistic- the patterns my brain form thoughts in, the essentials of the way I perceive and…

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Finally after over a year, I’m coming home (and some other things)

So, it’s official. Next week I am coming back to the US for 13 days. I kind of regret it because of school, but honestly it is the cheapest time to get tickets.

I’m excited to go home.

I’m excited to get out of Shanghai.

Shanghai is still heaven and hell to me. I love and hate it here.

Just when I think someone wants to be with me, they don’t even want to try. They can’t even change their life around and make me a priority. I’m so sick of it! I’m sick of being someone’s last resort. I’m sick of being used for attention and not getting anything in return.

Never once had I received a gift. Never have I ever gotten flowers. Or even chocolates. Or even a message saying, “Oh I saw this and thought of you.” No one has ever done those things for me. No one has ever made enough time for me. I would drop anything for anyone. I’m not needy or pushy, I just want to spend time with someone that chose to be with me.

What is wrong with me? Is it me or is it the people I choose?

Anyways, I rarely have time to date as I MUST try to focus on my thesis.

I learned my lesson from my first ex by not getting emotionally attached to others. If I detach myself emotionally, then a future breakup will be less painful.

It’s less painful but I am so empty because I am so tired of the same results.

Shanghai is temporary for a lot of people, unless you’re a local. She wasn’t a local.

We don’t talk anymore and she only wished me happy birthday a day early. And that was it.

Oh well. Time to just focus on me again.

New Things, Life is Good

My last post was a letter to my ex-girlfriend. I needed to write it in order to get some feelings out before I post more a positive post.

Sometimes I wonder why I post things at all. I don’t post too many personal posts anymore in regards of my future career. But, at the moment, I’m not sure what I want to do. Academics or what? I do hope to someday pursue my PhD…

Anyways.

I found better. I found a better person in my life that (I hope really) accepts me for who I am. I don’t want to get anxiety about it. We haven’t seen each other in two weeks because I was traveling in China. Hoping the distance had brought us closer.

She’s a funny story and I think I will write about it another time. All I can say is, life is so damn good.

I don[t have it bad. I know my parents are not supporting me when I am in China, but I am managing just fine. I am able to make a trip home for about two weeks, without them.

School starts soon. So, at least I will be busy again.

Back in Shanghai

I’ve been in China since July. And life has been different than before. However, almost still the same.

I’m currently at a coffee shop in Shanghai working on my novel.

 

Just wanted to give a small update that I’m alive. I’ll probably cleanse some of my posts here because I didn’t know if wordpress was blocked or not. So, I guess not.

Therefore, be on a lookout for more updates!

 

Nostalgia About China: Story #2 How One Fruit Made Me Sick for 3 days.

I went to Guizhou last year around late May. My classmates and I flew out of Hangzhou after driving for a couple hours from Ningbo.

We arrived that evening in Guiyang. Everything was fine and dandy until the night after.

The day after we arrived in Guiyang, we went to the new Confucius school that was built recently. Afterwards, we drove to a small city named Libo 荔波(?) which took about 4 hours.

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Large Confucius statue in Guiyang

Since I had no roommate while in Shanghai, I was sharing a hotel room with Lucy, one of the tour guides that came with us from Shanghai. She didn’t speak English well so we mainly tried to communicate in Chinese.

Anyways, after arriving in Libo, we had dinner. But Lucy and her nephew, David, didn’t eat with us. Just sometime after we ate dinner, Lucy came up to me with a plastic cup filled with berries. She was urging me to try one. However, I was hesitant. I ended up talking to one of my professor’s wife. She told me it is “杨梅” or known in English, “bayberry”. She said, “Try one! it’s the season for bayberry!”

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(bayberry, photo from daleysfruit.com.au)

Lucy was still urging me. I was under a lot of pressure. But I thought about it for a few seconds.

The thoughts in my head were:

“Where was this from? It’s probably not washed. I have never had it before…so what will happen?”

So, I gave it a try.

Later that night after checking into the hotel, I went to spend time with David and Lucy. We walked around the city to find a place to get something to eat even though I was full. Lucy saw a juice stand. She asked me if I wanted a juice. I said sure and was about to pay but she paid for me. She asked before picking one out if I really liked the bayberry and told her I did. So I got a bayberry fruit drink.

Who would’ve thought that night I would be up all night, sick, having everything coming out of both ends (sorry for TMI).

That entire night I was thinking, “What the hell is going on? Why did this happen? I hope it’s just a one time deal.”

But when we had to wake up around 8:00 that morning to go on an adventure to this beautiful mountain reserve, I knew it wasn’t going to miss that at all.

I was running in and out of the bathroom for about 20 minutes before Lucy saw that something was wrong.

She grabbed one of my professors and told him something is wrong with me.

When I was finishing up getting ready I heard a knock on the door.

“Hey, Jiajia, it’s me.” I let him in. Whatever look on my face told him I was sick.

“Hey, you doing okay?” he asks.

“No,” I say meekly.

“You sick?”

I nod my head.

“You got diarrhea?”

“Yeah…” I say meekly again.

“Alright! I’ll go get medicine for you.”

He bought this medicine for me an it was these yellow pills and he told me to take 3 or 4 of them every 5-6 hours. I’m like, “alright. I’ll try it.” Chinese medicine…it actually works.

So, after taking the medicine, he outs me and says to my classmates, “If you get diarrhea, Jiajia has medicine!” Oh god, why me.

I was so sick. How did I even make it up this mountain reserve? I’m not sure. But it was BEAUTIFUL.

The far right corner picture is me with one of my professors (not the one who got me the medicine.) You can tell how sick I am because I’m so pale.

I couldn’t let go of how beautiful it was and managed to feel better later on in the afternoon. Throughout the day I only drank bottled water, ate hard-boiled eggs, and steamed bread (包子 baozi).

(In Xiao Qi Kong, Little Seven Arches, I couldn’t help but pose at these beautiful spots despite being sick.) (My favorite photo is with one of my professors and his wife, because it is one of his first selfies.)

Later that day after feeling a lot better, we were on our way back to the hotel. I was ready to eat better food! We ate a restaurant across the street. The food was good, I remember it being spicy. However, that night I was sick, again. Same symptoms…

The next morning we went to a Miao village. It was a 4 hour bus ride to the village. Oh man, I was just wanting to rest, but I did not want to miss out again. After checking into the hotel, we set out upon the village. So I pushed myself to go. We walked and took a tourist bus up to the top of the village.

(the Miao village in Guizhou)

It was a beautiful day. I remember it to the fullest extent. I was drinking water with this Vitamin C supplement that my professor’s wife gave me. But when we were at the top taking pictures, I was beginning to feel so sick.

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(I like to show off my back tattoos, especially the Chinese one I got in Shanghai, Miao Village, May 2016)

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You can tell I was sick based on how pale I was and how much weight I lost when I was in China. When I went to Xi’an a few weeks later, I weighed myself. I found out I weighed 133 pounds. I weigh regularly 143-145. So I lost a total of 10 pounds after my trip.

I remember getting dizzy, trying to stand up straight but I couldn’t. So I decided to go back down hill and rest. One of my classmates followed me. But I couldn’t hold it in. I was beginning to throw up orange water (the water was orange from the Vitamin C supplement).

“Jiajia, are you okay?” I was spitting the water out in the bushes.

“No, I need to go sleep back at the hotel.” So we waited downhill for my professors and the rest of my classmates.

After they came back down, one of my professors bought me some bread. It was kind of sweet, but like American bread.

That late afternoon, I went to sleep. I slept for a few hours and later was woken up by the professor who had his wife with him.

“We brought you some baozi and hard boiled eggs. Hope you feel better in the morning!”

I slept well that night, woke up a little early and went to explore some. I missed out on good food and fun, but I needed my rest.

My life lesson that I learned: Don’t eat bayberry that isn’t clean. My professor who bought me the medicine told me that if you wash it with salt water, it will get rid of the bad stuff. Or if you put it in baijiu and let it sit, then you can eat it later.

Lastly, after we got back to Shanghai, my mood was better and I begun feeling a lot better.

For my next post I’ll write about Chongqing. 🙂

Nostaliga About China: Story #1 The Morning After I Arrived To Shanghai

I am not the best blogger but I thought I should share some stories from my favorite moments when I was in China this past summer. The first story I want to share is the day after I arrived.

The day was May 1st  2016, it was as early as 5:30 in the morning. Jet lag had made me not sleep so well so I decided to explore around 6:00. Just before exploring, I called my family and told them that I was awake and couldn’t rest.

But, I told them I would call them back after I returned to my dorm since the Wifi wasn’t accessible to me outside my dorm room. (Also because my phone was unlocked.)

So, I got dressed and decided to explore the campus of East China Normal University. 6:00 am, there were people already starting their day. There were elderly people doing tai chi in the tennis courts near my dorm. I was walking on road that had the tennis courts, basketball courts, a running track, and their convenient stores. Every so often they have motivational banners hanging with quotes written by ECNU professors or students.img_5722

(one of my favorite banners as I felt like I connected with it really well.)

As I continued my walk, I ended up in the middle of campus and came across the Mao Zedong statue that I thought I saw when we arrived late at night. img_5723

(in which I was right, and later this spot would be a meeting place for my classmates and I.)

I decided I needed to get creative and so I took a selfie with Mao. Which I don’t know how many people have done, but honestly, this is one of my favorite pictures below.

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(it actually happened haha)

I continued my walk…uh…I can’t remember the direction. North? I don’t remember to be honest as I don’t have the ECNU map on me right now. Yeah, let’s say North. I discovered the beauty of the campus with all the trees and water around. I explored around this area for a while and took a few more photos. Later I was told by some ECNU students that this was considered one of the most beautiful campuses in Shanghai because of the creek running through it.

 

Moving on, I continued my walk outside and ended up out at the main gate/ entrance to the university. Still early and not a lot of people outside, but more than I thought. The 热闹 (re nao, business), wasn’t here yet, but I knew I could feel some of it.)

( Photos consist of outside the main gate of ECNU, a Ningbo Bank, and Global Harbor, a mall that is walking distance from ECNU)

After my walk I managed to find my way back to campus and tried to go back to bed, but I was too excited so I called my family again and some of my friends.
But I knew, I knew from that morning that I really fell in love with China. I fell in love with China before even going, but that morning on May 1st 2016 at around 6:30 am, I really fell in love and knew it was going to be hard to go home.

Where To Start, How To Start, and Where to End?

It’s past 1:00 am while I am typing this. Lately I haven’t been up to date with what’s going on with my life. It’s either WordPress had bored me…or I have no reason to share my feelings about my life anymore. Because I’ve locked away my feelings too far inside my heart.

To be completely honest my life is OK and it’s not as terrible as one would think. If I was who I was several years ago instead of who I am today, I probably in all honesty, be severely even more depressed and in the hospital for attempting suicide.

My life is OK. It’s not perfect. It’s not great. There are some things that need to help me better myself and help with my happiness. And that’s for me to get the heck out of dodge.

In other words…I can’t survive being home any longer than I have been. I can’t survive living with my parents anymore.

Strangers, if any, reading my posts here. You barely know my story unless you’ve read previous posts. I’m currently as of this date, a 23 year old autistic woman who identifies as demisexual and biromantic. I’m not straight. I find both men and women attractive, regardless of race, etc.I’m not sexually attracted to either genders, but romantically. And I’m in love with my platonic life partner. Yet they have no idea because my problem of being autistic and lack of communication. I’m terrified to tell them. I’m terrified to tell them that I love them even though I KNOW for a sure fact that they feel the same way. But we are not together. We won’t identify as a couple in probably…years. Years until we’ve both found our places where we belong in this world. I belong to the Earth. I belong to see this world’s beauty as much as I can before Creator decides it’s my time. My platonic life partner probably won’t go as far as they want to. And with all my heart and soul, wish I could bring them with me.

If my parents knew about me not identifying as so-called “straight”, they’ll have disappointment. They’ll tell me, “We didn’t raise you this way. You’re gay? You like girls? In the Bible…yada yada.” To me, love is love. What is wrong with loving another woman? I always have found more comfort in the arms of my best friends, and even in the arms of my platonic life partner than I have with men. There are only a few men in my life that I have felt safe around that are not blood related.

My parents will be disappointed when they find out I don’t care if I don’t get married or have children. In fact, the entire idea of birthing children freaks me out. Adoption seems the best option and first option. The second would to pay someone to surrogate for me. I don’t like the idea of having a child…end of story on that.

But lastly…to end this post. I’ve learned that despite all the things I’m grateful for…I’m still scared to be me. What can I do?

I’m ready to return to China for graduate school. I’m ready to run away from this place for two years.