It’s funny. To think that I was actually happy when I was lying to myself. Well, okay, the first three weeks were happiness with my ex-girlfriend. But after our first fight within a month of dating: everything went downhill.
I don’t want to talk about why we got into our first fight, but let’s say it was partially my fault. And she couldn’t let it go. I let it go, for the most part. But, she kept bringing it up.
So I held on for another month hoping that we would make it through.
But we didn’t.
In the last stages of our relationship, there was little to no intimacy from her. I was the one to always initiate affection. To me, this wasn’t fair. And we both knew when she took on full time work, there would be less time to see me. At first I didn’t care. But, slowly, I decided enough was enough.
So, two months is not a long time. To me, relationships are so tiring. I guess, even though autistic, I’m such an emotional person. I empathize at a deeper level when people hurt.
I hurt so much within the last month of dating her because I hurt her unintentionally. Hurting her really hurt me. (I relapsed, aka cutting myself. But I’m fine, don’t worry.)
After breaking up with her I feel a lot better, but have a small hole in my heart. She didn’t entirely fill my heart as I know to not let one person do that. Instead, I feel empty because I had a daily ritual of sending her good morning messages. And good night messages. Now…there is silence.
But there is a life lesson here.
She had said before to be myself around her. But the moment I am, she doesn’t understand why I act the way I do. When I told her about two weeks after our first fight, that if she has any questions regarding my autism…she shuts me down by saying she chooses to ignore it. I didn’t break up with her then and there. It was because I had a small spark of hope I could change her mind.
But, you know what? Being friends with her is better than nothing.
However, she is busy. I am not going to bug her. I miss her so much, but she was not good for me.
On April 16th, our 2nd month together, I decided I cannot be with another allistic for a long time.
I can’t be with someone who can’t fully accept me.
Why was I BLIND to believe an allistic woman who I thought really liked me for me, was just not fully accepting?
And I fucking miss her so damn much. Because she still has the ability to make me laugh and smile. She still has the ability to make me feel a certain way.
But, we are over. I’m a 单身狗 (single dog) now.
She was negative and I don’t need that in my life.
I just wish I could kiss her for one last time, but I am afraid that if I do I will be sucked into the feelings again.
Am I meant for love?
I am afraid to trust again because I feel like I won’t be on the same level as my next future partner.
I just want to focus on school and just play around. (I still have to figure other things out and I am not comfortable talking about it.)
(P.S. I am totally QUEER/LALA [Lesbian] as hell. so no boys, sorry not sorry.}