Finally after over a year, I’m coming home (and some other things)

So, it’s official. Next week I am coming back to the US for 13 days. I kind of regret it because of school, but honestly it is the cheapest time to get tickets.

I’m excited to go home.

I’m excited to get out of Shanghai.

Shanghai is still heaven and hell to me. I love and hate it here.

Just when I think someone wants to be with me, they don’t even want to try. They can’t even change their life around and make me a priority. I’m so sick of it! I’m sick of being someone’s last resort. I’m sick of being used for attention and not getting anything in return.

Never once had I received a gift. Never have I ever gotten flowers. Or even chocolates. Or even a message saying, “Oh I saw this and thought of you.” No one has ever done those things for me. No one has ever made enough time for me. I would drop anything for anyone. I’m not needy or pushy, I just want to spend time with someone that chose to be with me.

What is wrong with me? Is it me or is it the people I choose?

Anyways, I rarely have time to date as I MUST try to focus on my thesis.

I learned my lesson from my first ex by not getting emotionally attached to others. If I detach myself emotionally, then a future breakup will be less painful.

It’s less painful but I am so empty because I am so tired of the same results.

Shanghai is temporary for a lot of people, unless you’re a local. She wasn’t a local.

We don’t talk anymore and she only wished me happy birthday a day early. And that was it.

Oh well. Time to just focus on me again.

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New Things, Life is Good

My last post was a letter to my ex-girlfriend. I needed to write it in order to get some feelings out before I post more a positive post.

Sometimes I wonder why I post things at all. I don’t post too many personal posts anymore in regards of my future career. But, at the moment, I’m not sure what I want to do. Academics or what? I do hope to someday pursue my PhD…

Anyways.

I found better. I found a better person in my life that (I hope really) accepts me for who I am. I don’t want to get anxiety about it. We haven’t seen each other in two weeks because I was traveling in China. Hoping the distance had brought us closer.

She’s a funny story and I think I will write about it another time. All I can say is, life is so damn good.

I don[t have it bad. I know my parents are not supporting me when I am in China, but I am managing just fine. I am able to make a trip home for about two weeks, without them.

School starts soon. So, at least I will be busy again.

A Letter for My Ex

I want to say fuck you, but I can’t. Because you are also human. And have flaws. No one is perfect. The reason I write this letter, is to express my nostalgia and goodbye. Because I moved on for months now. But just wanted to express it. I found better. I found love that you could never give me. I found acceptance that you could never provide. I found selflessness and warmth that feels like it will last longer than the two months we had together.
I will always cherish the New Year’s Eve memory we had. But fooling around on the evening we met was something we should not have done. But it happened.
I’m happy you brought me to the places you enjoy. I’m happy you introduced me to some of your friends. I’m happy that the experience I had with you made me grow.
However I’m not happy that in the end of it all, you told me I’ve fucked up, multiple times. I know I did. Constantly reminding me was emotional abuse. I was so unhappy that you chose to ignore my autism and not accept it. I’m unhappy that you were flirting with other girls at the bar while I was there when we haven’t even been broken up for almost a month. You threw me away like trash. You treated me like trash. You are selfish and immature. Do you even realize how much trouble you’re gonna get in when you go back home? My idiotic empathic self was trying to help but it failed.
We failed.
I’m SO happy we failed.
When I hear your name and say your name, I feel nothing anymore. If I see you again, I won’t feel anything anymore.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the life lessons. I hope you have a good life.

 

2+ Months Later: I’m a Single Dog Again

It’s funny. To think that I was actually happy when I was lying to myself. Well, okay, the first three weeks were happiness with my ex-girlfriend. But after our first fight within a month of dating: everything went downhill.

I don’t want to talk about why we got into our first fight, but let’s say it was partially my fault. And she couldn’t let it go. I let it go, for the most part. But, she kept bringing it up.

So I held on for another month hoping that we would make it through.

But we didn’t.

In the last stages of our relationship, there was little to no intimacy from her. I was the one to always initiate affection. To me, this wasn’t fair. And we both knew when she took on full time work, there would be less time to see me. At first I didn’t care. But, slowly, I decided enough was enough.

So, two months is not a long time. To me, relationships are so tiring. I guess, even though autistic, I’m such an emotional person. I empathize at a deeper level when people hurt.

I hurt so much within the last month of dating her because I hurt her unintentionally. Hurting her really hurt me. (I relapsed, aka cutting myself. But I’m fine, don’t worry.)

After breaking up with her I feel a lot better, but have a small hole in my heart. She didn’t entirely fill my heart as I know to not let one person do that. Instead, I feel empty because I had a daily ritual of sending her good morning messages. And good night messages. Now…there is silence.

But there is a life lesson here.

She had said before to be myself around her. But the moment I am, she doesn’t understand why I act the way I do. When I told her about two weeks after our first fight, that if she has any questions regarding my autism…she shuts me down by saying she chooses to ignore it. I didn’t break up with her then and there. It was because I had a small spark of hope I could change her mind.

But, you know what? Being friends with her is better than nothing.

However, she is busy. I am not going to bug her. I miss her so much, but she was not good for me.

On April 16th, our 2nd month together, I decided I cannot be with another allistic for a long time.

I can’t be with someone who can’t fully accept me.

Why was I BLIND to believe an allistic woman who I thought really liked me for me, was just not fully accepting?

And I fucking miss her so damn much. Because she still has the ability to make me laugh and smile. She still has the ability to make me feel a certain way.

But, we are over. I’m a 单身狗 (single dog) now.

She was negative and I don’t need that in my life.

I just wish I could kiss her for one last time, but I am afraid that if I do I will be sucked into the feelings again.

Am I meant for love?

I am afraid to trust again because I feel like I won’t be on the same level as my next future partner.

I just want to focus on school and just play around. (I still have to figure other things out and I am not comfortable talking about it.)

(P.S. I am totally QUEER/LALA [Lesbian] as hell. so no boys, sorry not sorry.}

Never Have I Ever Felt Happier

February 16th, 2018, a little after midnight, I agreed to be her girl. I agreed to begin a relationship with a woman, willingly, for the first time ever.

Okay, well long story short, the reason I said willingly is because my first UNOFFICIAL relationship with a woman (or female presenting because they wanted to use them/they/their pronouns) was my former platonic life-partner. Apparently back in August 2016 I “agreed” to date them and have a poly relationship with them. So this failed, but honestly, I’m so much happier that it did.

Because if I kept going with that person, I wouldn’t have given my girlfriend a chance.

The reason I’ve never felt happier? Not because I’m not single anymore. But it’s also because now I have a reason to come back to Shanghai. I have a reason to be happy and it s because I do not feel alone anymore.

The best thing of it all? She accepts me for who I am. My flaws, my quirks. My autism. EVERYTHING.

I feel like if someone didn’t want to start dating you when you were so raw with them in the beginning, then it’s their fault.

Everything feels right. It just does. I can’t explain my feeling.

Life is good. So damn good.

 

 

Coming to terms with my sexuality

Wow, what a title? And it’s been…since October since my last update. My life has been crazy since then. School barely picked up for me until the end of the semester. I’m currently in Hainan for holiday with my best friend’s family. Weather isn’t too hot and it isn’t too cold. Feels like early to late spring these days.

But, I never thought I would announce this type of thing I would blog about. Although I think it will make me feel better.

I’m bisexual. For a long time I denied it but over the last few years I found myself looking at women in a different light. And I was totally embarrassed about it. But now, I have been more excepting it more than ever. Especially when New Year’s Eve came around.

I went to a lesbian bar to celebrate New Year’s with the Lesbian/Queer community. And I met a girl. I really like her and I believe she likes me too…but because of my not wanting to date anyone until after Chinese New Year… I have to wait to go back to Shanghai to see if she wants to be a thing. But, with what we established, it will probably happen.

People may say, “You haven’t found the right guy yet!”

Wrong. I haven’t found the right PERSON yet.

Male. Female. Doesn’t matter. I like them both. However, men have always disappointed me…in many aspects of a relationship. So now girls are on my mind about 90% haaaaaaahahaha. To be honest, I’ve only been comfortable with women than I have with men. I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with a woman.

Anyways, I have grown to accept myself more. But I think I’ll still be embarrassed kissing her in public though. I never liked PDA anyway. Not even with guys.

 

Back in Shanghai

I’ve been in China since July. And life has been different than before. However, almost still the same.

I’m currently at a coffee shop in Shanghai working on my novel.

 

Just wanted to give a small update that I’m alive. I’ll probably cleanse some of my posts here because I didn’t know if wordpress was blocked or not. So, I guess not.

Therefore, be on a lookout for more updates!